A 3 Step Process to to stop recurring patterns within your life, crystalisciously of course

Wow, so here I was thinking that I had come so far from where I was just a few years ago. Less than 5 years ago I was truly scared for my life at times, my daughters lives at times and at others all of our lives. I had created a very traumatic situation within my life.

Contrary to what many believe, I still have residual scars from that time period. I was one of those many that believed that I escaped ‘scott free’, until the events that occurred, rather randomly surrounding my daughter’s school last week. These events not only showed me that I have so many residual thought patterns that could easily co-create my history all over again, but they also showed me how I can move from this step where I am, to the next step.

Working on web projects, I receive a phone call, it is a pre- recorded message about a school ‘lockout’ that occurred. No reason for the lockout, only that it had occurred and was now over. When I asked Sarah about it, she replied that no one would tell the kids what was going on, they didn’t even really know, nothing was out of the ordinary for the kids that were locked within the doors of the school.

With slight hints of arab prejudice and determination, Sarah was convinced that we didn’t need to hear any more about it. That was Friday. Monday the Robertson County School Board calls an ‘emergency’? meeting and declare that they must increase security in all the county schools. There are now three to four officers assigned to ?patrol? each school. Yes, it is for the protection of the children, not to keep any order.

What? Just What the hell happened for that lockout to occur? Is there something we should know? I am not doubting the judgement, skill or integrity of anyone involved in these decisions, I am doubting the wisdom at keeping things quiet. Quiet is what kills. Keeping Quiet for thirteen years is why it took me thirteen years to get away from that monstrosity of a reality that I had co-created.

So I start with google. What do I find? First an article dated January 30, 2013 in the Robertson County Times that reports on an individual picked up for saying things that brought him under suspicion. These things he was saying referred to Sandy Hook Shooting in some form or interpretation. The police questioned him, locked down the schools, and made a decision based on the safety of 100’s of students. I honestly think they made the correct decision, they did not over react, the media may have baited the story just a tad though.

I think, well bad sign for the times. Hope this is the last I hear of it. Then, to my curious eye a title jumps out at me from the ‘’ you may also be interested in’ section. The title read something like, hand grenade found in the middle of highway 41 just down from the Greenbrier middle school. Well, sarah had said something about a bomb. But a hand grenade? Really? So, just to be sure I read that right I read it again. Yup, a hand grenade found in the middle of highway 41 right outside the dollar general. It had nothing to do with the lockdown on schools though, it was not reported until January 30, 2013 @ 1:00. hmmm... not related? Greenbrier Tennessee has not one incident that seems rather threatening, but two in less than two hours? Come on!

It didn’t take 2 minutes for the thought patterns of fear and panic to rear their ugly heads and completely take over my entire being. It started in the back of my head after reading about the grenade...the word..”honor killing’. I knew that realistically, extremely capable individuals were handling BOTH cases, because it was two cases. But my warped thought patterns created a scenario where it was only 1 case and Sarah’s father was behind it. He was finally coming after us. Those of you reading this may say, ‘come on Melissa, that is really a stretch!”, but I say those are the thoughts I have been trained into. We all have our thought patterns that we have either allowed ourselves to be trained into,circumstances trained us into, or have fought and resisted until we finally had to give up. When a fearful situation occurs, when my personal safety feels threatened, my reactive thought patterns are that Sarah’s father is behind the curtain, MOVE!

By the time Joshua returned from work I was in a tizzy. Sarah was asleep and I was googling as fast as I could to find all the proof I needed that her father was hard at work plotting and planning to carry out threats made long ago. Joshua was taken aback at the fact that two dangerous situations had occurred so close to where Sarah was. With my paranoia and his observance of the arab prejudice seemingly getting worse with age for Sarah, he fell into the trap of allowing his thought patterns to also move in loops of fear and concern, for a few minutes.

I was making plans to go to the school, find out exactly what happened. DEMAND to know, I have a right to know if my child is not only in danger, but poses a danger to other children. I was starting to create ‘checklists’ in my head, first we get facts, then we pull sarah out of school, then we leave Tennessee.....blah,blah,blah.....what the hell are you thinking Melissa? There was a part of me, a very small part of me that knew I was over reacting. There was this very small voice in my head telling me that my present situation is all inclusive to my creation. I am no longer co-creating randomly with others that I do not want in my life. This small voice kept chanting over and over ‘ you are creating this as you go along, sure ya wanna think like this?’

I finally threw in the towel and could not wait until morning to reach the school. I googled all the right things, got the principles email address and emailed him. I gave him very few details, but enough for him to understand that I was in a real panic and I needed more info about the circumstances surrounding these incidents.

I felt somewhat better, I had done something to create some movement in this thought pattern. I had asked for clarification.

I was a little surprised when the principle returned my email very quickly. It was after all Wednesday evening around six when I finally decided I had to do something other than read about these incidents.

His response was quick, informative and I believe honest when he relayed to me that he didn’t know much more than I did, other than he knew the incidents were not related. He suggested I contact the Greenbrier Police Department. He did not go into detail about why there are more police officers onsite now. He assured me that Sarah’s safety was his utmost concern, and I believe him. I also believe being informed can assist survival rates.

Joshua and I spend a restless night, both remembering what it felt like to be a target. Both moving between empowered and disempowered states moment to moment almost. Both feeling confident that we are safe one moment, then remembering the gut dropping fear that we are being hunted. We distracted ourselves as best we could. Tried not to talk about it and waited for morning to call the police station.

Taking Sarah to school, I asked her about it and I swear that girl needs to start drinking coffee or something, she blasted me. ‘ Everything is not always about you mom! Not everything is about him mom! just stop!’.

I wanted to stop. I wanted to feel safe again. But...But...but The fear is so familiar that it runs randomly through my head before I even know what is going on! How do I stop. Shit. This is what clients come to me for. I got this.

What do you want Melissa, what do you want from where you are in this moment? I want assurances from the police that there is NO WAY Sarah’s father had anything to do with either of these incidents. Thats what I want. That is something I can focus on that is one step away from where I am.

So lets focus on that, the police are going to give me very logical explanations about these incidents, why they know they are not related, and tell me that I am over reacting.

So google finds me the phone number. I love google by the way, if knowledge is power then google must rule the world! :)

So I have a cup of coffee, smoke a cigarette and think about how I want this phone call to go. I go through a few scenario’s in my head. From the crazy lady that keeps the officers from doing their real job with crying wolf, to very real memories of police bringing much more trouble than good. 

I decided I wanted a nice ‘country’ dispatcher to answer the phone, I figured it should be female. I would plea to her sense of being a mother and ask her how to go about getting this information, she would kindly transfer me to the detective working the case who would assure me that there were elements of pranks being pulled and everything is ok and Sarah gets to go to Austin Peay in a few weeks for the history competition. 

I played that scenario over several times in my head as I enjoyed the rest of my coffee. I decided to have one more cigarette, go through that scenario at least one more time and then see what happens.

Guess what happened?

 A female answered the phone.

 I asked her point blank, and then said this is why I need to know. She immediately thought of her child, she told me to hang on she would find someone for me to talk to. A gruff voice came on the phone, I repeated what I said to the dispatcher. He responded with telling me first that the explosive was not live, there were no explosives in the grenade, the firing mechanism had been removed and it was around 1950 circa.

Well that almost made me giggle.

He then went on to let me know that the second incident, the one where references were made towards the mass shooting at an elementary school, was in custody, and being evaluated. It is a ‘white guy’.... oh...now I feel kinda stupid. He assured me that everything was ok, the schools were safe, Sarah was safe, and he doesn’t think her father had anything to do with this. He also told me that I could go file with the county for more patrols on my road, yada, yada, yada...

I hung the phone up and for the first time saw completely and clearly how my thought patterns had taken over for a short period. Now I had something else to fret about....am I a slave to these old thought patterns?

Nope, did you see what happened? I noticed the thought pattern ( with Joshua’s help of course), decided how to take the present situation into a place that I can continue to move out of it, decided what I want instead of becoming a victim of where I was, and then re-trained that thought pattern to attract the situation that reflects it.

So those thought patterns are still there, they won’t always be, each time this occurs it will be easier and faster noticing the TPT ( thought pattern take-over haha) is the first step, deciding where you can move and what you want are the second steps, then re-training that thought pattern is the third step. With time and experience I’m pretty sure Joshua, Sarah and I will be just fine and continue to move forward in the creation of our lives, free from fear.